Snapshots of an Addled Mind
by DaemonCross
Summary: A series on unrelated one shots and parts of larger stories that will probably never be written. First up, Astrid gets lectured by Ruffnut on the nature of boys.
1. Expert

**Expert**

It was a rare sunny day in Berk and Astrid couldn't remember the last time it was this warm. It was at least a few degrees pass uncomfortable outside, even by lofty vikings standards, but as bad as it was she realized that the inside of the forge was several times worse. Knowing that Hiccup could be just as stubborn as any viking, she took it upon herself to make sure that Berk's latest hero didn't overwork himself while still recovering from serious injury. At least that was the excuse she gave to anybody who would dare ask.

Unfortunately for Astrid's good mood what she found outside the forge was one of the more annoying changes to come from Hiccup's new status, his female fans, and today's group just happens to included the most tenacious one. While most of the girls had enough sense to be intimidated by the ax wielding viking, Ruffnut just didn't scare as easily.

Astrid approached the group gathered by the window making no attempt to quiet her steps. Usually just being in the general area was enough to send Hiccup's more skittish fans running, however it seems the girls were too preoccupied with ogling the young man hammering away at some piece of iron to notice her presence.

"If you're not out of my sight by the time I count to three I'm feeding you to my dragon," Astrid growled, after losing what little patience she had.

Most of the girls didn't bother checking to see who was behind them, the tone was unmistakable, nor did they bother waiting for the first count, they just started running. Pleased with herself Astrid now turned her attention to the only one left.

"Hey Astrid, nice job getting rid of those idiots," Ruffnut said quietly, "I mean Hiccup can get real focused when he's working but even he can't miss all that giggling for long."

"What are you doing here?" Astrid asked, making it clear with her tone that any answer would be the wrong answer.

"Oh, just enjoying the view," Ruffnut answered, unaffected by the implied threat, "and you should too, just keep your voice down."

Put off balance by the invitation Astrid couldn't help but shift focus and take her first good look inside the forge. What she found immediately left her cheeks burning. It seems the heat had been too much for Hiccup and he decided to work without his shirt. While the blacksmith's apron provided him with adequate protection it did little to hide his back and arms from any passerby walking by the forge.

Ever since that first flight on Toothless weeks ago Astrid knew that despite Hiccup scrawny appearance he wasn't nearly as weak as he looked. There was some strength in his small frame, not a lot but it was certainly there, it was hard to miss considering how tightly she held him while afraid for her life. She just didn't realized how good his back would look glistening with sweat or how hypnotic the movement of his muscles could be as he hammered away at some stubborn piece of iron. She kept watching as the boy pounded away oblivious to his audience, and her mind began to wander, thinking of the next time she could get her hands around the boy.

"I guess all the time in here has done that boyfriend of yours a lot of good," Ruffnut suddenly said, violently taking Astrid out of her day dreams, "there ain't a lot of meat on his bones but what's there looks good enough to eat."

Suddenly remembering where she was and more importantly who she was with, Astrid decided she has had enough, if threats don't work then she would just have to handle this the viking way. She grabbed the other girl and started pulling her away ignoring any protests and only stopping when the forge was out of sight.

"Hey what's the big deal?" Ruffnut complained.

Astrid only glared in response.

"You really need to learn to share you know."

"Share?"

"Well other than Hiccup the boys in Berk comes in one size, and a girl needs a little variety in her diet."

"Would you stop talking about him like a piece of meat?"

"Nah not meat, more like candy, sweet delicious eye candy."

"Would you..."

"So is he any good with his hands?" Ruffnut suddenly asked, "I bet he is."

"What does his hands have to do with anything?" Astrid asked, surprised at the odd change of topic.

"Just curious."

"Well he's a good smith and artist, but he still can't wield a weapon to save his life," Astrid answered, although unsure why she bothered to respond at all, this chat has been very odd and while she's been off balance since the start, now she was just lost.

"I'm not talking about that."

"Well what else would he be doing with his hands."

Ruffnut just looked at the other girl and waited until realization dawned on Astrid. She was really surprised how long the wait turned out to be.

"Oh," Astrid finally said, "why would you even ask that?"

"That's not important right now," Ruffnut said, "what's important is how that just flew over your head."

Without an answer Astrid just resorted to glaring again. She was really good at glaring.

"Spent too much time training to be the perfect warrior didn't you," Ruffnut guessed, "not enough time listening to your folks explain the facts of life."

While Astrid wouldn't quite put it as bluntly, Ruffnut wasn't all that far from the truth. When she was younger and she had asked her mother why she bled when she hadn't been wounded she only stayed long enough to understand that she wasn't dieing, then she ran off to continue training. While she did manage to pick up the basics over the years, maybe it was about time she finished that talk.

"Oh man I'm right aren't I?" Ruffnut asked, barely able to hold in her laughter, "you and Hiccup are just too perfect together, he's probably too scared to do anything and your just clueless."

Astrid wasn't used to being laughed at, in fact she doesn't recall it ever happening before. She was simply too good at what she does to warrant such a reaction from others, and on the rare occasion that she does make a mistake, no one was ever crazy enough to call her on it. While unused to the feeling she didn't take long to realize she didn't like it and responded the only way she knew how.

"Ow, you hit me."

"And there's going to be more of that if you don't shut up."

"Hey, does that mean your going to kiss me next," Ruffnut asked, completely ignoring the threat of further violence, "cause we should go get Hiccup first, I'd bet he'd love to see that."

"No he won't," Astrid protested, "he's not like that."

"Oh Astrid, poor naive little Astrid, off course he is."

"No he's not."

"Hiccup may just be the unmanliest viking in Berk but he's still a man, well a boy anyway, and they all pretty much think alike."

"That's where your wrong," Astrid countered with the same amount of certainty she would have if asked whether the sun will rise tomorrow, "if there is one thing about Hiccup I'm sure of is that he's not like everybody else, we wouldn't be here today if he was like everybody else."

"He is when it comes to this," Ruffnut replied undeterred by the other girls impassioned defense of her boyfriend, "don't let the nice guy thing he's got going on fool you, nice guys are the ones that surprise you the most."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"All I'm saying is one day they're nice, the next day they're bringing out the rope and asking if you'd like to be tied up."

"You're insane."

"Well yeah, but that doesn't make me wrong," Ruffnut said while producing Hiccup's sketchbook from her pack, "here I got proof , took it while he wasn't looking."

Astrid stared the sketchbook feeling torn, not really sure what to feel about such an invasion of privacy. On one hand she trusted Hiccup, on the other hand Ruffnut really sounded like she knew what she was talking about.

"I'm willing to bet there's all sort of naked drawing in here, probably mostly you," Ruffnut insisted, "maybe we'll see what sort of kink he's into."

Astrid's cheeks warmed at the thought of Hiccup drawing her, however before she could think on that too much she began to notice Ruffnut's growing frustration with the sketchbook. Her curiosity finally overwhelming her she approached the other girl and tried to get a look at the contents. What she saw was page after page of various design schematics, not a single naked woman among them.

"I can't believe this, its all weapons and saddles and other junk," Ruffnut exclaimed, "the one guy in Berk with any artistic talent and he hasn't got the guts to draw any decent porn."

"So much for your proof," Astrid said while grabbing the book, not really trying to keep the smugness out of her voice, "I'm taking this back and your leaving, go do something productive for once."

Surprisingly Ruffnut complied, apparently feeling deflated after being proven wrong.

Once satisfied that Ruffnut was not returning Astrid headed back to the forge. She entered and found Hiccup just where they left him, still working, still pounding away. After taking a moment to enjoy the view she called out to the boy to get his attention and while it took several attempts she eventually got him to turn around.

"Astrid! Hi Astrid!" Hiccup said surprised, "what are you doing here?"

Astrid didn't answer, she just grabbed Hiccup by his apron and pulled him in for a quick kiss. At least that was the plan, the boy seemed to have plans of his own when he held on to her refusing to let her pull away quite so soon.

"What was that for?" Hiccup asked when the kiss finally ended, "not that you should feel like you need a reason."

"That was just for you being you and proving me right."

"I don't get it?"

"Here," Astrid explained as she handed over the sketchbook, "Ruffnut stole it and she was sure it would be full of lewd drawings. I told her she was wrong."

"I see," Hiccup answered suddenly feeling nervous.

"Look I'd love to stay but I need to go home and have a talk with my mother."

"What about?"

"Oh it's nothing, just a long overdue talk but maybe tomorrow we could go do something."

"Sure, I'd like that."

The couple shared another quick kiss before Astrid turned to leave. When Hiccup was sure that the girl was out of earshot he turned to the dragon sleeping in the corner.

"Come on Toothless wake up, I need your help."

Hiccup only got a snore in reply.

"Come on you useless reptile, I need you to help me burn a bunch of sketchbooks before Astrid or Ruffnut finds them.

The End

**Authors Notes:**

**Years ago I tried my hand in fanfiction writing cause I was bored and between jobs, now I'm in the same situation and giving it another try, and boy I haven't improved at all. Depending on how long I stay bored and unemployed this may turn into a series of unrelated one-shots or parts of larger stories that I will never write.**

**So where did this story idea come from. While reading HTTYD fanfiction I just started wondering where did kids even learn about human sexuality in the days before the internet, mass media, or even print media. I'm no ancient history buff but I figure parents explained most of this stuff. So the idea is born, Astrid is too busy perfecting her reverse somersault to listen to mom, Hiccup due to being a sad lonely boy with artistic talent amasses Berks largest porn collection and Ruffnut gets to make fun of them. This was a long way to go for a stupid joke, I hope somebody is amused. By the way capturing Ruffnut's voice when all she did in the movie was argue with her brother is hard, I have no idea how she'd sound in a civil discussion.**


	2. Raiding

**Raiding**

Somewhere along a coast east of the middle of nowhere, stood an old monastery inhabited by monks who spend most of their days in quiet meditation. Over the years a village grew around the holy place, populated mostly by farmers and fishermen. It was a simple existence where things hardly ever changed and one day is just like the last.

On a day that started just like any other, a fisherman and his son set off to get an early start on their work but on the way to the coast they spotted strange ships on the horizon. Thinking they were foreign traders the man decided to welcome them and sent his son back to inform the village. However, when he reached the shore the large and fierce looking men on the ships made him rethink his initial assumption.

Some of the man's fears eased when two people who weren't quite as large or fierce made their way through the crowd and stepped off the lead ship. The young woman with a large ax on her back was quite easy on the eyes while the young man with the odd metal contraption for a leg had an honest face. Despite being half the size of the others, it seemed that the two were in charge.

He welcomed them both with a friendly greeting but only got confused looks in return. The woman turned to her companion and said something in a language the fisherman didn't know then the man turned towards the ships and started barking out orders.

Not knowing what else he could do the fisherman waited awkwardly for what the strangers would do next, then suddenly he heard a frightening roar that could have come from the depths of hell itself. He looked around and scanned the beach for anything that could explain what he heard, then out of the corner of his eye he saw something moving on the foreigner's ships. As impossible as it seemed, what he found were dragons. The largest of the winged beasts raised its head and roared once more, this time the men joined in and cheered loudly.

He looked towards the leaders of what must be raiders and found a strange apologetic smile on the young man's lips, the young woman on the other hand, had a grim expression on her normally beautiful face, more importantly though, her ax was out of its holster. He turned to run but it was far too late, before he could get anywhere an ax was buried in his back and he was dead before he hit the ground.

Back in the village, the fisherman's son told his tale to any who would listen causing considerable excitement. While uncommon foreign traders were always welcome, however, before any plans could be made regarding their guests, someone noticed something in the sky and then the screaming started.

* * *

Hiccup and Astrid stood at the center of the village and surveyed the damage they brought down upon the unsuspecting villagers. The fighting ended awhile ago and now they watched over the other vikings as they ransacked the village.

"I thought this would be harder," Hiccup said as he turned to his wife. "I knew we'd win but I expected them to put up some kind of fight."

Astrid nodded in agreement. "It's only fun if there's some challenge. Most didn't even try to fight and the ones that did fight were worse than you when you first started."

"Hey! I got better didn't I?"

Astrid didn't answer the question and just smiled at him. "You really shouldn't pout like that. It's not befitting the future chief."

"Please don't go there, I get enough of that from my dad. It's always Hiccup don't do this, Hiccup don't do that..."

"Hiccup don't whine," Astrid interrupted in a poor imitation of Stoic's voice.

For a second Hiccup just stared at Astrid. "Never do an impression of my dad again," he said seriously, "cause I just saw you twice as large with a huge beard."

Astrid paused at the odd mental image Hiccup painted for her, then she punched him in the shoulder. Before he could complain she closed the distance between them, grabbed him by his vest and pulled him closer. "Maybe I should do something about that then," she whispered, "give you something else to think about."

"That's just great," Ruffnut complained loudly as she pointed at the couple. "We turn around to do a little looting and we come back to this."

"Yeah," Tuffnut agreed. "Can't those two go a few minutes without getting all mushy?"

With the mood ruined Hiccup and Astrid stepped away from each other. As much as the couple resented their timing the twins did have a valid point, there was work to be done.

"You two find anything interesting?" Hiccup asked.

"Nah, this place is a dump." Ruffnut answered. "We searched the houses and it's all crap. I was really hoping for some silk too."

"What would you need silk for?" Tuffnut asked.

"What makes you think I need to explain anything to you?"

"Are you making a fancy dress or something? Did you trick some poor idiot into marrying you?"

Ruffnut slapped the back of her brother's head for the last remark. "I don't need to trick anyone into anything," she said. "You're the one with a face only a dragon could love."

"Are you kidding? The ladies can't resist me."

As the twin's argument escalated Snotlout walked up to the group. He ignored the twins usual antics and turned to Hiccup. "We have a problem," he said. "We might be able to fit everybody we captured on the ships but only if we leave the livestock behind."

"I figured as much, we didn't count on them just giving up like they did."

"Don't forget about Fishlegs," Astrid interjected. "The twins said the homes are worthless but he might find something in the monastery worth bringing back."

"So how do you want to do this?" Snotlout asked.

"We're not short on food back home so the livestock isn't a priority." Hiccup answered. "The southern tribes just finished a bloody war and they'll pay well for some manpower to help rebuild. Prioritize the men who look strong enough to be useful but not enough to cause trouble."

"So, stronger than you but not by much."

"Yes Snotlout, that's exactly what I mean."

"Add a few women," Astrid suddenly said. "We need a cook."

"We need a cook?" Hiccup repeated. "Does that mean you finally gave up trying to learn?"

"No I didn't give up, you know better than anyone I don't give up."

"So why do we need a cook?"

"Cause my mother gave up on me after I almost burned down her house."

"Wow, I can't believe..."

Astrid narrowed her eyes at her husband, grabbed him by the collar and pulled him close. "Hiccup, if you're smart you're going to quit while you're ahead."

Hiccup nervously pulled himself away from his wife and turned to Snotlout. "You heard the lady, add few women, they always sell well anyway."

"Hey guys, you won't believe what I found," Fishlegs shouted as he ran up to the group. "I found a room filled wall to wall with books and scrolls and..."

"Wait a minute, books? Snotlout interrupted. "That's it? That's what got you excited?"

"I saw some gold and silver. I think there was also a few rare gems."

"You should have started with those, at least they're worth something."

"But books are great, think of the things we could learn, its like a plus ten to intelligence each."

"Sorry Fishlegs, I'm with Snotlout on this one," Hiccup said. "You're the only one that can read the language and we don't have the room to spare on the ships, but go ahead and take a few for yourself."

"I guess that will have to do. I'll head back now."

"Take the twins with you," Hiccup instructed while pointing at the still arguing twins. "Make sure you got everything you need then burn the place down."

"I should go and get started on boarding the prisoners," Snotlout said.

"Yeah," Hiccup agreed, "It's about time we head off."

When they were alone again Astrid turned to her husband looking pensive. "Hiccup, there something I need to tell you."

Hiccup couldn't help notice the unusual tone of uncertainly in Astrid's voice. "Is something wrong?"

"No, its actually something right. This is just a really bad place to tell you, but I don't think I can keep it to myself for the whole trip home."

"Astrid, your starting to scare me."

"Hiccup, I think I'm pregnant."

* * *

An old man sat outside the ruins of what used to be his home. He was too old to fight and too old for slavery so he was ignored by the raiders that invaded his village, the monsters couldn't even be bothered to put him out of his misery. Unable to do anything he sat and watched. He watched as the homes of neighbors burn. He watched as the corpses of friends and family gathered flies. He watched as the survivors were lead away in chains. Most of all, he watched the young couple dancing in the center of all this madness without a care in the world.

The old man wondered just what kind of vile creatures these two must be that they could dance like giddy young lovers while surround by burning building and rotting corpses. What could they be celebrating? Was it riches they've gained? Was it the death they've caused? Was it the people they've taken? They must surely be spawns of the devil himself, who else but the fallen one would hide such evil behind angelic faces.

The End.

_

* * *

"AD. 793. This year came dreadful fore-warnings over the land of the Northumbrians, terrifying the people most woefully: these were immense sheets of light rushing through the air, and whirlwinds, and fiery dragons flying across the firmament. These tremendous tokens were soon followed by a great famine: and not long after, on the sixth day before the ides of January in the same year, the harrowing inroads of heathen men made lamentable havoc in the church of God in Holy-island, by rapine and slaughter." -Anglo Saxon Chronicle._

**

* * *

Author's Notes:**

**You're probably wonder what you just read. Did I really turn the HTTYD cast into murders and slave traders. Well that's what happens in raiding, there's nothing heroic about it. The idea came to me when I read some fanfictions mentioning raiding in passing without elaborating. I started thinking what would it really mean if raiding was part of Berk lifestyle. So I went and did some quick google research then wrote this up. I'm not sure what I was aiming for but I'm pretty sure I missed the mark, half way through I started thinking I should have just written something funny. I spent too much time on it already so I just pushed through and posted it anyway. So next time you think of including raiding in your fic think of this and what your going have to do to such nice characters.**

**Anyway at least I learned a few interesting things. The quote at the end refers to what is commonly accepted as the first viking attack, I just included it cause I was amused it mentioned dragons. Also rapine has nothing to do with rape, apparently the rape part of "rape, pillage and burn" viking mantra has been severely exaggerated.**

**Next Up:**

**The closest thing to a viking princess has come to Berk intent on marrying Hiccup to forge an alliance. She beautiful, her cloths and jewelry are exquisite, and she's a bunch of other nice things. Now if only she can outrun Astrid's Nadder.**


	3. Parents

**Parents**

Astrid stood at her front door feeling apprehensive about what was waiting for her inside. While her parents had suspected something had changed between her and Hiccup they choose to keep their question to themselves. However, after the kiss she planted on Hiccup in front of the whole village she knew there was no more delaying the inevitable. Whatever it was that was going on between her and Hiccup, it could be over before it starts if she can't handle her parents properly. She was afraid that her parents, being proud viking warriors wouldn't approve of Hiccup, despite having proven his courage, he still wasn't anybody's idea of a proper viking warrior. After a few deep breaths to steady her nerves, Astrid entered her home and found her parents already seated at their table. They pointed at an empty seat and gestured for her to join them.

"So, you and Hiccup?" her father asked once she was seated.

"I thought you hated him?" her mother interrupted before she could answer. "I clearly remember you dressing up a training dummy like the boy then tearing into it with your ax."

"Things have changed," Astrid answered.

"Obviously, he's a big hero now" her father said. "It's a good thing you saw the boy's potential before anybody else did, gives you a good lead on the others."

"Others?" Astrid asked.

"Of course dear," her mother said, "you didn't think you're the only one who thought of trying to marry the future chief of Berk did you?"

Astrid was stunned silent, she had an idea where this conversation was supposed to go and this wasn't it.

"Hiccup will never be a warrior like Stoic," her father explained, "but if this alliance with the dragons lasts the village is going to need a new type of leader."

"You're going to need to work fast and get him to marry you soon," her mother added. "Right now Stoic is feeling very guilty over what happened with his son so he probably won't be arranging any marriages for Hiccup yet, but sooner or later he's going to realize how valuable his son is and we can't afford a traditional dowry, especially for the future chief."

"I don't know if you realize this but we're broke," her father lamented. "Me and your mother are good at one thing and one thing only, fighting dragons. With this new peace were out of a job and we don't have any other marketable skills. Without a proper dowry you're practically not marriageable."

"Worse comes to worse you may need to try and get pregnant," her mother suggested. "I know it would be terribly scandalous and since he's a big hero who can do no wrong, all the blame will certainly fall on you, but if you can manage it he'll be stuck with you."

Not able to take the conversation anymore Astrid abruptly stood from her seat and she looked liked she was ready to scream at her own parents. Not really sure what she could say that wouldn't be considered highly disrespectful she just turned and ran to her room hoping that when she wakes up tomorrow this would all just be a bad dream.

"She looks upset," her mother said looking a little worried.

"I'm sure its nothing dear," her father said. "Now where is the mead, we need to celebrate our daughter becoming a Haddock and our early retirement. We are going to be set for life living of the in-laws."

"I'm serious, Astrid looked upset," her mother insisted. "You don't think she actually likes Hiccup."

Both parents gave the possibility some thought and simultaneously shook their heads and came to the same conclusion. "Nah!"

The End

**Author's Notes:**

**Not what I promised last chapter but I got stuck and decided to write something quick and stupid.**

**One of the first things I considered when I started thinking of HTTYD fanfiction was what kind of parents to give Astrid. The first thing that came to mind was the very obvious and cliche overbearing father who really wanted sons. It's a convenient way to explain Astrid's motivation. But while good for drama it's not much good for laughs, so instead she gets deadbeat out of work warriors that see Hiccup as their meal ticket.**


End file.
